When Gratitude Practice Feels Like a Chore (Try This Instead)
Feeling resistant to gratitude lists? Discover a gentler alternative called "moments of softening" that lets gratitude emerge naturally instead of forced.
In the mornings I often swaddle myself with lots of soft things while sitting on the couch with my dandelion mocha mint tea. (I have decaffeinated for Middle Aged Reasons which previous versions of myself would not have believed in a zillion years.)
I sit with my pink porcelain teacup—a special treat in remembrance of a fun girls' trip I took last year—covered in a cream cable-knit blanket (which itself is covered in golden-retriever fur!), wearing cozy Barefoot Dreams socks, and get ready to meditate and write in my block-print floral journal.
While this morning ritual is grounding, it's also relevant for part of the journaling process. I write three things I'm grateful for each day. Or at least I try to.
What are your reactions to having a gratitude practice?
To be clear, I'm not telling you that you SHOULD have one.
This may or may not surprise you, but bringing up a gratitude practice can summon polarized reactions.
The Gratitude Resistance
Some people are onboard and love it. They have it baked into their day alongside dropping the kids off at school, getting to work, spending time on their yoga mat.
Some people feel like "I don't want to!" and "You can't make me!"
And that makes sense to me.
It can feel like one of those things we're SUPPOSED to do. Gratitude is good for you. The research shows that. So floss your teeth and eat your broccoli and do your gratitude list for the day.
"Be good and do the good thing" can be the unintentional message.
And when we do things because we feel like we should, because it's good for us, a couple of things can happen:
There can still be a benefit, for sure. But it can also become rote very easily. Grateful for my marriage, for my job, for my family... check, check, check.
We can be grateful for those things, but when we recite them in a list it can feel routine in a way that disconnects us from the actual experience of gratitude.
Plus, doing something that feels like we "should" do—or that our spouse is trying to get us to do, or anything else along that vein—can lead to feeling pressured, which can lead to resentment.
This feeling is the opposite of gratitude and definitely isn't helpful to us or anybody else.
A Little Hack That's Been Helpful
If any of this resonates, I have something that might help.
Instead of listing what I'm grateful for, I try to notice and list three moments of softening each day.
A moment of softening could be:
Seeing the purple crocuses push up through the mulch and open, as they did yesterday.
The color combination of the sunset.
The face my dog makes when I ask if she wants a carrot (her favorite treat... the bottom teeth sticking out and cocked head is a guaranteed lol for me every time).
That super funny thing your kid said that you'd never think of yourself.
The dopamine rush of hearing a song you want to play on repeat.
And yes—dandelion mocha mint tea in a treasured cup while curled in a very soft blanket.
These softenings are often small glimpses of beauty, textures that feel nice, a brief connection with nature, sensory experiences. No big ticket items required.
Why This Works
These moments of softening take it down to the micro level where I'm present with the moment as I remember. And this lets me feel those moments in my body, which often paves the way for a genuine feeling of gratitude to spontaneously emerge.
When that happens, I savor that feeling in my body for at least 15 seconds.
Tara Brach, the Buddhist psychologist, has said that amount of time allows the neural pathway to that feeling to strengthen. By savoring, we can start to turn a "state into a trait"—meaning these feelings of softening and even gratitude can become more and more available to us.
The Practice
So if you'd like to play with this, here are the steps:
1. Stay tuned throughout the day for these moments of softening
2. Pick three to reflect on at the end of your day or the next morning (journaling optional)
3. Let yourself be in the moment and take in the experience
4. Savor for 15 seconds
That's it. No pressure. No "shoulds." Just noticing what softens you.
And if this doesn't resonate either? That's okay too. There's no right way to do any of this.
But if you've been feeling resistant to gratitude practices, maybe what you needed all along wasn't gratitude—it was permission to soften.
Frequently Asked Questions
How is "moments of softening" different from a gratitude practice?
Moments of softening focus on embodied, micro-level experiences where you're fully present with a sensory moment. This allows gratitude to emerge naturally rather than being forced through a cognitive list. Traditional gratitude lists can become rote ("grateful for my job, my family, my health") while moments of softening keep you connected to the actual felt experience.
What if I can't find three moments of softening in a day?
Start with one, or even zero. This isn't another "should" on your list. The practice is about quality of presence, not quantity of moments. Some days you might notice five moments, other days none—and both are perfectly fine.
Can I practice moments of softening if I'm going through a difficult time?
Yes. In fact, noticing small moments of softening during hardship can be especially valuable. A warm cup of tea, a kind text, the feeling of the sun—these don't erase the difficulty, but they remind you that both can coexist. You don't have to choose between honoring what's hard and noticing what softens you.
What if this practice still feels like a "should"?
Then don't do it. Seriously. Any practice that creates pressure or resentment isn't serving you. The invitation here is curiosity, not obligation. If you notice resistance, get curious about the part that's resisting—that inquiry might be more valuable than any gratitude practice.
About the Author: Elizabeth Scott, LCPC is a licensed therapist specializing in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. She helps emotionally intelligent, spiritually curious women reconnect with their inner wisdom through individual therapy and through Practical Alchemy, a transformative 3-month coaching program that integrates IFS with intuitive modalities like astrology and reiki.
